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Notice of REMOVAL [
7/31/ 10:54 pm
]
[ mood | indescribable ]

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I've always wanted to move out of this LJ into the new one, so I figured why not. Now's a good time as any other. This LJ won't be deleted, though. It's been my treasurebox for the past 1 year plus.

I've just grown quite tired of being pseudo emo-sap / emo-sap / having to explain all my thoughts in my LJ, so people can read and go, 'Oh, so she's not like this actually.'

And honestly I've always hated having a public blog, but I suppose that most of us are attention whores like yours truly. We love for people to comment / tag and go 'aww are you okay?' and the works.

My blog should be personal, private, and I'm tired to have to Friend-Cut / Private-Cut my entries to leave out names of real life people, just because my blog is a linkway between the online and real me.

I miss my diary like heck but I'm just too lazy to write manually.

So goodbye, july_rhapsody, it was nice knowing you while it lasted. Now to fresh and new memories, instead of hanging on to the old.

And well, you don't have to remove my link on your blog if you don't want to. Maybe someday I'll revive this blog and the old me. Sorry for the inconvenience caused - I suppose there must be quite a few who have linked me / secondary linked me and so on.

And, don't bother snooping me out on my new LJ. If you've managed to, congrats. If you know where to find me, or even have a clue, you will see it anyway. Fate draws two souls closer than the art of snooping around on net. (:

To my dears on LJ, thanks for the comfort, the help and what's not. I'll like to blog alone for a while then I'll think about readding you guys, all right?

To those who I care in RL [ sorry this is a deliberate plot to keep you guys away ], thank you.

I'll say 'may we meet again', but cliches are annoying, and we often know that that never comes true anyway.

... bye.
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SUBWAY eat FRESH. [
7/31/ 1:06 am
]
[ mood | tired ]

I know the formulas, where to change veggies, some counterwork by now. ((:
SUBWAY work, though horrendously tiring [ comes from being too spoilt I think ], is heaps of fun. It's somewhere I never thought I'll belong, and feel so comfortable hanging out with my colleagues, free to make mistakes and truly learn from them [ though soon I won't be allowed to make any more mistakes x_x ], and yes, yes, the added perks. :P

- vague comment: I've come to realise that my own expectations sometimes tend to be too over irrealistic. I can't ever have everything I want. But when I think about it really, really carefully, I just think, that maybe a lower expectation of somethings might make me happier than I would have ever thought I would be.

It's quite odd that I think I actually do like working and the whole family atmosphere at subway. Whether it's the serving, ordering, cutting bread, cleaning up or preparation. It's really brought a new perspective to my life: have realised that work isn't all fun and what it is, and that I've had a really sheltered life. And it's really interesting to mix around with everyone else, even with people so out of my typical 'hang out' kind of friends - yet they're some of the nicest, most humble, and least pretentious people I've met in my life.

(: Today I met Melvin [ who oddly didn't recognise me or pretended not to ], Rowell [ who looked so SHELL shocked that it was as if he caught me selling myself or something =_= ] and BRYNNers. x) Now I'm glad I have a reason to look forward to the end of school every Friday, which = workdays.

On friday, I went to Goshen with Bob and Charis - the REAL eyeopener. I learnt so much in that 2 hours interview that I don't think any amount of education could have made up for. Was just quite ... at a loss for words. (: So I think Charis + Bob and I all began to realise that the whole point of PW, the little thing called 'discovery' that the teachers have been harping on, actually exists. We just felt so inspired and lucky all at the same time.

I've been quite moodswingly lately, especially whern it comes to school. For I've just came to realise [ quite lately, I must say ] that perhaps JC is really not the course for me, but I can't turn back now. It was really quite bad on Thursday - I just had this wave of depressy mood, and it spread throughout college day. I got annoyed at alot of things. Ranted to Aurry, seriously contemplated about dropping out of JC because somedays I just feel I can't take it anymore, and ... yes, the most dreadful thing ever, I actually thought about it without meaning to. Shoot.

A friend commented that I always seem happy to most, lost in a frown when I'm in my own thoughts, and depressy in my entries. BIPOLAR! [ haha, kidding ] I don't know what I'm feeling most of the time and that's the seriously scary part.

:] Now to do TSD. JOURNALS due this week, I suppose. GOODNESS GRACIOUS ME. ): Shall rush through it tomorrow T_T

In the new season of CSI Miami a member of the team DIES! :O What's up with deaths and the CSI teams. ): Anyway LV just ended so I'll be quite upset for awhile without the doses of Grissom and team.

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[
7/26/ 11:13 pm
]
[ mood | tired ]

I realised I'm a sort of mind story teller. :O

If I close my eyes and think hard enough [ and I usually do this to get myself to sleep ], I can write out chapters and chapters of unnamed stories. The words just come to me pretty easily, it's as if I can imagine them all being written down on a piece of paper / reading a storybook of my own.

But when I try to put them down on the MSWords I somehow lose hold of these little story fragments, and the words that I used to write them when I was deep in thought [ and near sleep ] are gone.

I think my muses are playing tricks on me. ): Either that, or it's a sure as hell sign that I should start working my ass off for PW / IS / Studies. T_T

LIST OF BOOKS TO READ :

a: set design books
b: The Lion, The Witch & The Wardrobe [ FOR as long as it takes ] dramatisation etc
c: Hani's books - Life and Death of an Hypochondriac, Notes from A Smaller Island, Rule of Four
d: The Time Traveller's Wife, Madame Sadayakko, Secret Life of Bees, P.S I Love You [ for the 2nd time ], Narnia collection books 5 - 7, philo book from C.S Lewis

PLUSPLUS! I have like 4 book vouchers! ((: And some of them are expiring soon :O So if you know of any good books that HAS to be gotten, please let me know! [ comment in the past entry or something! ]

... had a great time with aileen and brynnoid! (: as usual. oh how i miss the both of them. and my books. i wish is / pw / school will just come to a standstill so i can read forever in my little secret serene place by the ecp, which i discovered today after jogging a tremendous amount with nicola.

my life is brilliant. [ ha, HA. ] [
7/25/ 11:50 pm
]
I think sooner or later the whole pile of work will start collapsing on me, but while I'm at it, I'll try to hold it up JUST for a while more.
Still pretty excited for Friday ((:
And yes, tomorrow! A trek to Arab Street with Aileen & Brynn. Much loved tuition friends [ speaking of which, we SHOULD go see Mdm. Leow soon ].
Today's workshop - which I actually attended with great reluctance having the full intention to 'disappear after econs lecture T_T' was surprisingly one of my favourite workshops so far. I had too much fun with my improv group | tash bob saiful mike tom gen | doing Oresteia & Row Row Row Your Boat. :D You seriously don't get anything like this, and I suppose it's always the moments like this that make me feel part of TSD all over again, come what may.

Everyone should take TSD, it's so brilliant at times that it just whacks you in the head out of a sudden. I guess I finally realised the need for Shakespeare and his little language ditties, and as a result gained a little respect for him and his sheer talent, as well as the amazing quality of absurdist theatre. Workshops, though intimidating at first, seem to be kind of like a pill - they taste horrid, but as they get dissolved and all, you feel better, and obviously that same warm fuzzy feeling is replicated in workshops where you learn so much, laugh at everything [ haha! ] and just listen to all the experience.

The teachers, obviously, also impressed upon us the importance of IS exams [ which is coming in about 1 and a 1/2 week's time ] and golly, I haven't started. ): Panicking a little because it's increasingly getting harder to keep up with work, + my 'i feel sleepy' attitude in school, and loads of homework, which might start resulting in a bad slip of results. That said, I've started today going through some websites of the sets of previous productions. Kind of more or less decided on The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - simply because I have a huge interest in Narnia, and there isn't anytime to go into anything else. But as amazing as the story is it's quite fantastically tough to pull it off [ first consideration that really put me off Narnia ] but I suppose I just have to try. If this pulls through I'll work it for As, if not I'll relook into more plays [ oh dear, the temptation of Operas! ] and WICKED. I badly want to do WICKED for set design T_T but it's been quite a fruitless hunt for the script of the musical. Even Amazon doesn't carry it.

I am deeply deeply attracted to too many things at once.
One of which includes this year's NDP song [ which I hated on first 'listening' but grew to love it ]

The SUBWAY experience was fantastic, but it left me drained for the next day.

Of late once again I've been doing the stupid weighing of Poly vs JC, something which I should have decided back in March. I must admit that I am incredibly unhappy in JC, despite the short bursts of happiness that sometimes JC life throws at me. Maybe it's a combination of workload, or friendship issues and personal problems, but I simply, simply, am unable to pull out that passion for school that I had during the 1st 3 months. This is what they call monotony of life, I suppose. I don't quite understand how they can say that the JC years are the best 2 years of your life when I'm left wondering actually why am I doing all these. I think mass comm is once again trying to draw me into their HELLISHLY attractive course T_T at the wrong time of the year.

I say, if you don't even belong, don't even try forcing your way into joining. Such a false sense of camaraderie that sometimes I think I'm deluding myself into believing that this all existed, when it never did. The sheer pretense shocks me sometimes into a fuzz for the day.

And I hate it when you put me on a sugar high, then drain it all out of me by just something that you do / did / will do. Please decide who you want to be, it's annoying the hell out of me.

And why do you always lie and say you'll chat but you never do? Saying hello to me out of the blue, ending those conversations with words like 'talk to you soon!', and yet whenever I try you're always not there. I'm going to stop trying now for I feel desperate. But I miss those times. Oh yes I do.

My life is filled with weirdos and more weirdos [ one being myself ]. Someday I shall build a weirdoLAND of course, with polar bears and the works, and send us all there. We can chill out in a small part of the Arctic [ now where are polar bears found actually? ] and isolate ourselves from the rest of the world, as well as quarantine ourselves so that we don't infect others.

CSI LV Season 5 is ending, and crap, I'm ITCHING to go check out the episode reviews :P but okay okay I'll stick around to see if Nick is fine. T_T

I actually feel happy doing good deeds. Some form of trying to fool myself into believing that I am actually quite nice, thus I buy loads of tissues from the tissue aunties and help others with directions and bags and things like that. The other day someone did me a good deed, and I did another one in return [ in the name of Pay It Forward ] and it really felt ... simply nice. To be able to help, I suppose. But then again everytime I do such a thing I remember Rose from Rescuing Rose, and I remember what Ed and Theo [ yay my very very much loved astronomer! ((: ] said about helping others, and then I feel quite down for sometime.

ARGH. Okay, enough of this and more of sleep, please.
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ZONKED. [
7/22/ 11:58 pm
]
Today was a tiring day [ more explanation later on ]. But oh well, I went for the job orientation for Subway with Aileen and came out quite intimidated by alot of things. :P
SANDWICH ARTIST! [ haha ]

Anyway I'll be working shifts at Subway @ LIDO! (:
Tomorrow's 4PM - 10PM. So if you happen to be around and you feel like eating Subway, come get a 10% discount [ hopefully ] from me!
Honestly speaking I'm terrified of working tomorrow, but oh well, I'll just give it a try.

So anyway today was the bigO Cultural Fiesta, pretty interesting concert, and very tiring mass dances later on.
Got down and was quite late for the Orients.
Subjected to 2 hours of video orientation on how to make bread and wash hands.
Trekked to Art Friend, only to find that they didn't sell brooch pins in bulk
So went to Bras Besar but all the shops were closed [ just like Tim said, actually xP ]
and back to Spotlight @ PS
then to Popular @ J8.
Hence all that = tiredness. x__x

While I'm happy with the fact that I'm independant enough to do such things - I suppose for a short moment there I did feel very alone, and a strong yearning for companionship. ): If only Aileen was with me! I think that being forced to choose between purple sequins and blue sequins and pink sequins make your head spin, so it's good to have a second opinion.

I think that when I grow up to become a mumsy, my greatest greatest greatest fear would be to have my children being abducted. While I was at J8, I suddenly heard two kids screaming: "MUMMY! MUMMY!" And I panicked for them. Walked back into the mall to find them, but turns out they were just sitting on the kind of ride that you pay 20c for etc ... ): STILL, it's very irresponsible of their parents to leave them there while they go shopping. If I left my kids there and they were abducted by space aliens or human aliens or otherwise I think I'm going suffer in a life of anguish, really.

So there's work tomorrow, plus I'll be working the craft store at KCPSS! :] [ huzzah huzzah! I'm just dying to see all the cute brownies and their happy grins ] so all in all it's going to be a HELLishly tiring day, and I need to find time to do my work.

Just a few things I'll jot down first and talk about later in another post. The more serious issues.

- the concept of pay it forward
- chinese
- perceptions

... and I'll cross post it to the VJC moBlog, since I think I should start being more active of sorts. x__x

WELCOME HOME BRYNN! ((:
sorry I couldn't go pick you up.
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[
7/22/ 12:10 am
]
So it nearly comes to an end now, with barely 22 minutes to go.

Thanks to all who made today special - A53, TSD dears, people from all over who messaged me :] people whom I've lost contact with for about FOUR years, messaging me :] THANK you very much. I truly appreciate it! [ and yesterday the CC gang as well! ]

On a side note, I'm on my way to owning MORE BOOKS :D Got loads of book vouchers! <3 And my parents actually remembered the Border card o_o THANKS! And thanks for all the gifts too. You guys didn't have to do so - so thanks anyway.

[ 5 thanks and counting, now ]

Got GP back, a B3, which I suppose it's quite an okay mark as well.
Ian called from Melbourne! Reception is teh evil. (: But hey di I loved listening to your voice again! Thank you SO MUCH for just calling to wish me Happy Birthday :o and I'm sorry I couldn't hang on for longer - work. >(

And so she leaves, far far away,
and yet another is here to stay.

Today I realised that I am actually quite anti-social, or rather, I have social anxiety, or just really bipolar / schizo disorder. I seemingly can't talk to people, oddly. It's like forcing a conversation topic out of me. Which is REALLY pretty odd, considering that I can talk to some people nonstop, but not to others ... hmm. Gah. So I'm sorry to anyone who thought I'm ignoring them on purpose x_x;; I just can't bring myself to find something to talk about. Hmm.

and i realise i'm so much more sociable online than in rl. says a lot, actually. :/

I have a whole list of thank yous and I wanted to make thankyou cards, but I realised I didn't have enough material ... so hopefully that will come next week if I can finish / find time to do. >_<

Okayy ... and the post ends, and I'm officially 17 for a day and ten minutes now. :D
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many happy returns, i suppose. [
7/20/ 11:52 pm
]
[ mood | cheerful ]

I'm going to marry the first guy who can replicate a library like the one Belle gets in Beauty and The Beast (Disney version, yeah) and give it ALL to ME.
Please do apply early if you're capable of that so that I can work marriage into my plans, yeah?
I'm a crazed bibliophile. Today I decided that my books looked miserable and I started wrapping them ... and after 2 hours of non-stop wrapping, I still have a WHOLE stash of books in my cupboard.
Can't help the fact that I LOVE buying books. ):
Oh yes, if you owe a quaint little bookstore that serves comfy couches and coffee / hot chocolate as well, please marry me! :D Heh.

...

results are out - i got the Dreadful Ds. x) well, with lit, maybe it'll be Dreadful Ds and 1 Outstanding [ grins ]

So today somehow started off and went off quite badly, filled with a mix of emotions that I couldn't really describe, but it was quite overwhelming at the same time.
Pizza day.
Orchard, the subway experience.
KEAX (: loveeee. we must hang out soon with aur, yes! :D
stationery shopping.

But to Aileen, Anee, Shaun, Chong Sheng, Kang Hao & Teng Leong - who I spent nearly 2 hours hanging out at the CC playground with : THANKYOU very very much. You guys probably have no idea how happy you made me, it was seriously hilariously fun. :) I just like hanging out with all of you, because I feel like I really belong there somehow. Indescribable. It feels very much like before ... and all.
(: Love the card, the brownies, the stupid jokes, the way you guys came down despite school (Anee, KH & TL!) / mugging (CS!) / other better activities (Shaun!) - thanks loads to the A&A gang who planned this all (even though it was PRETTY OBVIOUS).

a few hours ago i thought that being 17th was going to be the most spectacularly horrible event of the year, what with ... everything.
but the mini party really made me feel like maybe it's going to be okay -
or maybe it's going to be brilliant, really really brilliant.

with 14 minutes to go
[and btw, happy belated birthday to bert too!]
i shall wish myself a happy 17th birthday
and many happy returns [i love this line from winnie the pooh.]
a little self-centered,
but i suppose the birthday girl has the right to being egoistic, then. (:

AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY
twinnie! (: dear dear huaa. i miss you truckloads and happy 17th - we should catch up soon, be it the structured sentosa outing or the spontaneous bump into you outing.
sharon! happy 17th! i miss yelling across the classroom block and pouncing on you and going "SHARON WE'RE 16!!!!"
i'm really going to miss the whole dressing up in ethnic costumes and taking loads of pictures
plus the surprise (not very) class party for huaa & i which end up in cake smearing and all
and the huge gift last year! god!
and happy happy birthday to josh hartnett who turns god knows what age this year.

---
[ the random comments ]

still haven't met rach - ): [steph! did you know rach is in sg? :o]
i'm missing you steph! sorry i didn't see the whole razzmatazz about you Friend locking your journal, and since i can't comment, i hope you're okay and having a blast in boston!
the other day james randomly spoke to me on msn ;O and tried to convince me to go to University of Kentucky, hmm.
brynn is coming back! (:
aneesa is leaving! ):
ian got my letter!
heh.

[ EDIT ]

PW IS FUN! WHOA.
I'm actually having fun doing research! :O
I think I'm muggerfied.
):

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and I guess it's over. [
7/15/ 7:12 pm
]
Ever since that disastrous haircut of 2004 [ which I would gladly prove with pictures and sort except that I destroyed them all ] - I've never quite summoned the courage to snip those locks off.
But for once [ yesterday ] I finally got a haircut!
And well, ended up looking pretty decent. So yes I suppose that's something to be thankful for, plus the fact that I should worship the hairdresser and Glanies! (: For introducing Aud & I to her.

I've always wondered why in books that the female characters find the need to change their look after a breakup. It never ever made sense to me, but somehow, I kind of get it now. Perhaps it's just the coincidence of the time and events, but I've realised that maybe you can change how you feel by changing how you look. The way you look at yourself in the mirror, somehow oddly convincing yourself that you are a different person, you've moved on from whatever there was actually ...

but of course, you realise eventually it's just all a cover-up.

I am terribly fond of speaking on closure and burying the past 10 feet under, and I think I've nearly exhausted the number of ways I can say this. But it's just a topic that I can't get out of, no matter how much I try.

In the last post I mentioned the issue of popularity -

Popularity is sure as hell expensive. I remember paying for popularity at the age of 12. Things like this, you see them come and go. You watch yourself attain them, but the actuality of the price that you paid for them only comes far later. Overnight, I changed, and along with it, everything changed. Admittedly, my newfound status was due to the immense popularity of my best friend [ bwahah ] - naturally when you hang out with someone popular you become popular too, it's a chain reaction kind of thing. But with popularity comes other issues that perhaps at the age of 12 I've never really considered.

The jealousy game, the game of trying to be better than the other, the competition - so subtle yet so deeply entrenched in ourselves, at a naive age of 12. -transform into Little Miss Emo- Betrayal brought me down from the throne that I sat on along with everyone else. I've never told this to anyone but one dear friend in VJ. I remember hating the world, wrote nasty stuff about everyone in my diary. The lies she told me, the way she broke our friendship up, the way she got everyone on her side against me, her best friend. The way she called me up, making me cry for 3 hours, while she bitched at me over the phone, and me trying desperately to restore everything that was once there. I remember for that few days in a row, I just kept quiet, trying so hard to fit in, to change myself. In retrospect, it was actually quite terrifying to identify myself with who I was when I was 12. I would have burnt my diary, except for the fact that I wanted to keep it as a part of me.

But I suppose, if that had not happened, I would not have been who I was today, the fairly nice [ I hope ] person I am. I like to pretend that the 12 years old mold of me was a lousy clay model, and then I got remade into a better one later on, but I know it's not true. Still it's a weakness I'll like to hide, to bury in my little 'ditch of unwanted memories'.

Then at the start of this year I saw her turning into a me of the past, and I got so scared and worried that she was going to go through the same phase as I did.

On another note, I'm now stuck thinking of witty entries to blog about because I have been leaderfied by Denys [ A53's mini blogceleb! :) ] for the VJC moBlog. HAHA, don't get me wrong, I really am appreciative of it and if you see this Denys, THANKYOU for saying that you liked my entries [ even if it was a ego-boosting comment], because I do treasure what I write, emo sap or not. :D I have the misconception [ well actually this probably isn't true, it's the TRUTH ] that to be a leader on VJC moBlog you either have to be

[a] horrendously bloggily popular [ like him! ]
[b] terribly good and A1-ish at GP [ like some :O ]
[c] crazily opinionated [ I AM FEMINIST! I AM AGAINST THE SCHOOL WITH THE CHANGING OF THE SCHOOL SONG! ]
[d] very, very free to blog
[e] all of the above

... yeah. So the stress piles up. :/

I got my History results back, huzzah. A D. Oh well, it can only mean better results are here to come right?
And Aileen, thanks for notifying me about the job. HUZZAH. I think I'll try to work at Subway during weekends :) So that I can stop living off my parents' cash and still have some money to buy stuff. <33 Plus, it'll be good to force my ass outta my house for a good reason [ -coughs- admittedly, money-motivated ] and the severe shortage of time should mean that I should, logically, get increasingly more mugger and study harder, which will result in good grades for promos.

I cast my net for AABB in promos.

OKay, my throat is going haywire again. Plus I'm going off to BayBeats pretty soon, so yayyayyay! I hope the month continues being okay, or better.

---

It seems like after such a long while
I still find myself reading in between the lines
of our conversations, those messages
And that same old feeling still comes back
tightens its grip on my heart
when I see the way you change those once familiar nicknames
that I deciphered without a doubt
And I realise it's no longer about me, me and me anymore
But it's about the forgotten us and at the same time,
the new you
and the me that has vanished without a trace.

// wrote this sometime ... the start of last year I think, I found it in my old and hidden blog of little writings, and decided to repost it. (:

---

EDIT

BAYBEATS 05 (:
Was honestly quite ... okayed by Baybeats. Not entirely WOWed but it didn't really suck that badly, some acts were pretty good, but as a result I'm quite deaf now. Plus we got to meet interesting people. Heh.

Tomorrow is 'Go Back & Help Out in Guides' day! Feeling anxious and nervous, mostly because I've forgotten NEARLY EVERYTHING and I'm afraid I'll disappoint her. And yes, Lin's birthday. (: CHEERS. HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF BLOOD PRINCE! Think half the world's waiting till 7.01AM or something just to get it, good Lord.

[ and I kind of think I know who died :X ]

... just gotten into a quarrel with my parents over working.

Everytime I think that it's me, my fault, and what not, it all boils down to the fact that I believe our friendship's based on mutual benefit and what's not. I try not to think about the grey areas and force myself to the white areas, but I can't believe it ... till now, that the facades still don't cease to exist, and even when you try to convince me that everything's okay, that voice in my head tells me it isn't. I am such an ass sometimes to keep getting stuck in all sorts of friendship problems. I'm sorry I'm not a good enough friend, Sword. ):

Just feel so lost sometimes, like you don't really belong anywhere, but I think that it's going to be okay.

---
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[
7/12/ 10:54 pm
]
I feel so motivated by the self-letter that Mr Ho made us write. :D
AM GOING to do my best so as to not disappoint ANYONE! x)

Takeoffs and landings. (:
I can't wait.

Didn't get to run today ...
But I will tomorrow! As well as start studying. -puts on a mugger face- [ HAAH ] and yes yes Esply trip with setters and costumers! Plus I'm going to Kino to leaf through the interior design books, goodness so exciting.

and BTW I'm horrendously proud [ I like paradoxes! x) ] of the VJMoBlog. -grins. GOODJOB! 05A53 is LOVE, because I kind of think we contain quite a hell load of talents. WHAHA. *hides 05A53.

'love taught me to lie.' [
7/11/ 10:54 pm
]
[ mood | apathetic ]

The days aren't growing better, but I'm coping fine.
Still as annoyingly cynical as ever, and some things are starting to irk me ... but it's okay. I think my policy of playing it nice will pull me through. Somehow I treasure my solitude now more than anything else. It's quite conflicting, in the sense that while I want people to talk to me and engage in small talk, I want to be alone.
It's going to be a pretty ... hellish week, I suppose.

Yesterday's end of the Public Performance shocked me, honestly. To think that after months of tolerating slots, and wondering when it's all going to end - it just ends like this. Felt the sense of loss, and the fear of being a senior. In ways we're all seniors now, embarking on our Individual Skills.

I think, honestly, I'm going to miss crewing.

Design workshop today was pretty inspiring and intimidating at the same time. As much as I'm set on set design [ ha ] ... the sense of not being able to match up to my own standards scare me. I only hope I do the play I'm going to choose justice.

I'm moving LJs, finally. Haven't decided if it'll go public / Friends Only, but when I do I'll let everyone know. Sorry for the inconvenience in advance.

I wish more than anything in the world now that I know what paths to take. It's driving me nuts, just wondering about the 'what ifs' and all as usual.

Cannonball still brings so much meaning at this point of time in life. Please stop calling me - I'm running out of ways to say sorry.

I've started a series of attitude icons. :] Based on an idea by the lovely vivmuffin. Am aiming to hit 100 icons [ the things I do with my time, really. ] and putting it up for general usage.

My mum ... seems unhappy about me doing social work, and I'm at the crossroads now, deciding what to do.

Am cutting my hair. Just feel like doing so. Like running. New changes for being 17, I suppose. Need to shed off everything that's happened like a snake shedding its skin. And a desperate, desperate need, to make being 17 different from any of the other years.

My mum is brilliant [ sarcastic tone ]. To cure my fantastic loss of voice - having a horrendously low voice means that when you lose your voice, you sound outrageously terrible - I poked around the fridge and popped a Strepsils in my mouth. Waved the box at her and asked if this was okay, and she glazed over it and said "yeah."

Moments later, she came to me and told me to stop eating the Strepsils cos' it's actually for coughs, and it should not be taken for sore throats ... and the last time she did that, she ended up with a mysterious case of food poisoning. Great, just great. Now excuse me if I mysteriously vanish from school.

I realised we're drifting. [ this is targeted to a mass bunch of people ]

I want to say a few words on popularity, but I'll keep that for some other time because already people are muttering about my insanely long posts. :]

ISABEL WOLFF has a new book. ((: GLEE. It seems fantastic, as usual. I have never, ever, regretted stepping into that bookshop in Wellington, NZ in Sec 2, even when it was closing, and buying that random book out of the blue over the popular bestseller.

I realised, I'm hopeless at dealing with grief. I can do Miss Counseller, Dear Annie, and what not. Rescuing Rose by Isabel Wolff, a chick lit book, surprisingly has lessons to part. I suppose all of us are Rose of sorts. We like to feel needed, we like to feel that hey, people treasure our advice. We help others to help ourselves, as Theo mentioned. I'm going to skip the bit on altrusism. But really, when other than giving comfort, I can't do anything else - it's out of my own capacity.

I care, but I can't care enough to make you see, I suppose. Does that even make sense? So I'm very sorry, if you looked at me, hoping that I would draw you out of the circle, but you can't see past the stoned face. I'm sorry if you got so incensed and thought I don't care. It's not that I don't. But it's that I can't do anything. And I don't mind being the one who's there to look over you, even if I'm not the one beside you and telling you it's going to be okay.

Growing up is such an integral part of our lives, yet while we all want to grow up, I guess some part of us [ or at least me ] wants to stay small and happy in the world. Being a child is the loveliest thing in life. Everytime I see a child smile and grin, it never fails to make me happy, because it reminds me of what I aspire to be.

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