VII. the spell of a ROSE [ beauty and the beast ]

Notice of REMOVAL

2005-07-31T14:54:39Z

I've always wanted to move out of this LJ into the new one, so I figured why not. Now's a good time as any other. This LJ won't be deleted, though. It's been my treasurebox for the past 1 year plus.

I've just grown quite tired of being pseudo emo-sap / emo-sap / having to explain all my thoughts in my LJ, so people can read and go, 'Oh, so she's not like this actually.'

And honestly I've always hated having a public blog, but I suppose that most of us are attention whores like yours truly. We love for people to comment / tag and go 'aww are you okay?' and the works.

My blog should be personal, private, and I'm tired to have to Friend-Cut / Private-Cut my entries to leave out names of real life people, just because my blog is a linkway between the online and real me.

I miss my diary like heck but I'm just too lazy to write manually.

So goodbye, july_rhapsody, it was nice knowing you while it lasted. Now to fresh and new memories, instead of hanging on to the old.

And well, you don't have to remove my link on your blog if you don't want to. Maybe someday I'll revive this blog and the old me. Sorry for the inconvenience caused - I suppose there must be quite a few who have linked me / secondary linked me and so on.

And, don't bother snooping me out on my new LJ. If you've managed to, congrats. If you know where to find me, or even have a clue, you will see it anyway. Fate draws two souls closer than the art of snooping around on net. (:

To my dears on LJ, thanks for the comfort, the help and what's not. I'll like to blog alone for a while then I'll think about readding you guys, all right?

To those who I care in RL [ sorry this is a deliberate plot to keep you guys away ], thank you.

I'll say 'may we meet again', but cliches are annoying, and we often know that that never comes true anyway.

... bye.

SUBWAY eat FRESH.

2005-07-30T17:06:43Z

I know the formulas, where to change veggies, some counterwork by now. ((:
SUBWAY work, though horrendously tiring [ comes from being too spoilt I think ], is heaps of fun. It's somewhere I never thought I'll belong, and feel so comfortable hanging out with my colleagues, free to make mistakes and truly learn from them [ though soon I won't be allowed to make any more mistakes x_x ], and yes, yes, the added perks. :P

- vague comment: I've come to realise that my own expectations sometimes tend to be too over irrealistic. I can't ever have everything I want. But when I think about it really, really carefully, I just think, that maybe a lower expectation of somethings might make me happier than I would have ever thought I would be.

It's quite odd that I think I actually do like working and the whole family atmosphere at subway. Whether it's the serving, ordering, cutting bread, cleaning up or preparation. It's really brought a new perspective to my life: have realised that work isn't all fun and what it is, and that I've had a really sheltered life. And it's really interesting to mix around with everyone else, even with people so out of my typical 'hang out' kind of friends - yet they're some of the nicest, most humble, and least pretentious people I've met in my life.

(: Today I met Melvin [ who oddly didn't recognise me or pretended not to ], Rowell [ who looked so SHELL shocked that it was as if he caught me selling myself or something =_= ] and BRYNNers. x) Now I'm glad I have a reason to look forward to the end of school every Friday, which = workdays.

On friday, I went to Goshen with Bob and Charis - the REAL eyeopener. I learnt so much in that 2 hours interview that I don't think any amount of education could have made up for. Was just quite ... at a loss for words. (: So I think Charis + Bob and I all began to realise that the whole point of PW, the little thing called 'discovery' that the teachers have been harping on, actually exists. We just felt so inspired and lucky all at the same time.

I've been quite moodswingly lately, especially whern it comes to school. For I've just came to realise [ quite lately, I must say ] that perhaps JC is really not the course for me, but I can't turn back now. It was really quite bad on Thursday - I just had this wave of depressy mood, and it spread throughout college day. I got annoyed at alot of things. Ranted to Aurry, seriously contemplated about dropping out of JC because somedays I just feel I can't take it anymore, and ... yes, the most dreadful thing ever, I actually thought about it without meaning to. Shoot.

A friend commented that I always seem happy to most, lost in a frown when I'm in my own thoughts, and depressy in my entries. BIPOLAR! [ haha, kidding ] I don't know what I'm feeling most of the time and that's the seriously scary part.

:] Now to do TSD. JOURNALS due this week, I suppose. GOODNESS GRACIOUS ME. ): Shall rush through it tomorrow T_T

In the new season of CSI Miami a member of the team DIES! :O What's up with deaths and the CSI teams. ): Anyway LV just ended so I'll be quite upset for awhile without the doses of Grissom and team.

july_rhapsody @ 2005-07-26T23:13:00

2005-07-26T15:13:40Z

I realised I'm a sort of mind story teller. :O

If I close my eyes and think hard enough [ and I usually do this to get myself to sleep ], I can write out chapters and chapters of unnamed stories. The words just come to me pretty easily, it's as if I can imagine them all being written down on a piece of paper / reading a storybook of my own.

But when I try to put them down on the MSWords I somehow lose hold of these little story fragments, and the words that I used to write them when I was deep in thought [ and near sleep ] are gone.

I think my muses are playing tricks on me. ): Either that, or it's a sure as hell sign that I should start working my ass off for PW / IS / Studies. T_T

LIST OF BOOKS TO READ :

a: set design books
b: The Lion, The Witch & The Wardrobe [ FOR as long as it takes ] dramatisation etc
c: Hani's books - Life and Death of an Hypochondriac, Notes from A Smaller Island, Rule of Four
d: The Time Traveller's Wife, Madame Sadayakko, Secret Life of Bees, P.S I Love You [ for the 2nd time ], Narnia collection books 5 - 7, philo book from C.S Lewis

PLUSPLUS! I have like 4 book vouchers! ((: And some of them are expiring soon :O So if you know of any good books that HAS to be gotten, please let me know! [ comment in the past entry or something! ]

... had a great time with aileen and brynnoid! (: as usual. oh how i miss the both of them. and my books. i wish is / pw / school will just come to a standstill so i can read forever in my little secret serene place by the ecp, which i discovered today after jogging a tremendous amount with nicola.

my life is brilliant. [ ha, HA. ]

2005-07-25T15:50:29Z

I think sooner or later the whole pile of work will start collapsing on me, but while I'm at it, I'll try to hold it up JUST for a while more.
Still pretty excited for Friday ((:
And yes, tomorrow! A trek to Arab Street with Aileen & Brynn. Much loved tuition friends [ speaking of which, we SHOULD go see Mdm. Leow soon ].
Today's workshop - which I actually attended with great reluctance having the full intention to 'disappear after econs lecture T_T' was surprisingly one of my favourite workshops so far. I had too much fun with my improv group | tash bob saiful mike tom gen | doing Oresteia & Row Row Row Your Boat. :D You seriously don't get anything like this, and I suppose it's always the moments like this that make me feel part of TSD all over again, come what may.

Everyone should take TSD, it's so brilliant at times that it just whacks you in the head out of a sudden. I guess I finally realised the need for Shakespeare and his little language ditties, and as a result gained a little respect for him and his sheer talent, as well as the amazing quality of absurdist theatre. Workshops, though intimidating at first, seem to be kind of like a pill - they taste horrid, but as they get dissolved and all, you feel better, and obviously that same warm fuzzy feeling is replicated in workshops where you learn so much, laugh at everything [ haha! ] and just listen to all the experience.

The teachers, obviously, also impressed upon us the importance of IS exams [ which is coming in about 1 and a 1/2 week's time ] and golly, I haven't started. ): Panicking a little because it's increasingly getting harder to keep up with work, + my 'i feel sleepy' attitude in school, and loads of homework, which might start resulting in a bad slip of results. That said, I've started today going through some websites of the sets of previous productions. Kind of more or less decided on The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - simply because I have a huge interest in Narnia, and there isn't anytime to go into anything else. But as amazing as the story is it's quite fantastically tough to pull it off [ first consideration that really put me off Narnia ] but I suppose I just have to try. If this pulls through I'll work it for As, if not I'll relook into more plays [ oh dear, the temptation of Operas! ] and WICKED. I badly want to do WICKED for set design T_T but it's been quite a fruitless hunt for the script of the musical. Even Amazon doesn't carry it.

I am deeply deeply attracted to too many things at once.
One of which includes this year's NDP song [ which I hated on first 'listening' but grew to love it ]

The SUBWAY experience was fantastic, but it left me drained for the next day.

Of late once again I've been doing the stupid weighing of Poly vs JC, something which I should have decided back in March. I must admit that I am incredibly unhappy in JC, despite the short bursts of happiness that sometimes JC life throws at me. Maybe it's a combination of workload, or friendship issues and personal problems, but I simply, simply, am unable to pull out that passion for school that I had during the 1st 3 months. This is what they call monotony of life, I suppose. I don't quite understand how they can say that the JC years are the best 2 years of your life when I'm left wondering actually why am I doing all these. I think mass comm is once again trying to draw me into their HELLISHLY attractive course T_T at the wrong time of the year.

I say, if you don't even belong, don't even try forcing your way into joining. Such a false sense of camaraderie that sometimes I think I'm deluding myself into believing that this all existed, when it never did. The sheer pretense shocks me sometimes into a fuzz for the day.

And I hate it when you put me on a sugar high, then drain it all out of me by just something that you do / did / will do. Please decide who you want to be, it's annoying the hell out of me.

And why do you always lie and say you'll chat but you never do? Saying hello to me out of the blue, ending those conversations with words like 'talk to you soon!', and yet whenever I try you're always not there. I'm going to stop trying now for I feel desperate. But I miss those times. Oh yes I do.

My life is filled with weirdos and more weirdos [ one being myself ]. Someday I shall build a weirdoLAND of course, with polar bears and the works, and send us all there. We can chill out in a small part of the Arctic [ now where are polar bears found actually? ] and isolate ourselves from the rest of the world, as well as quarantine ourselves so that we don't infect others.

CSI LV Season 5 is ending, and crap, I'm ITCHING to go check out the episode reviews :P but okay okay I'll stick around to see if Nick is fine. T_T

I actually feel happy doing good deeds. Some form of trying to fool myself into believing that I am actually quite nice, thus I buy loads of tissues from the tissue aunties and help others with directions and bags and things like that. The other day someone did me a good deed, and I did another one in return [ in the name of Pay It Forward ] and it really felt ... simply nice. To be able to help, I suppose. But then again everytime I do such a thing I remember Rose from Rescuing Rose, and I remember what Ed and Theo [ yay my very very much loved astronomer! ((: ] said about helping others, and then I feel quite down for sometime.

ARGH. Okay, enough of this and more of sleep, please.

ZONKED.

2005-07-22T15:58:23Z

Today was a tiring day [ more explanation later on ]. But oh well, I went for the job orientation for Subway with Aileen and came out quite intimidated by alot of things. :P
SANDWICH ARTIST! [ haha ]

Anyway I'll be working shifts at Subway @ LIDO! (:
Tomorrow's 4PM - 10PM. So if you happen to be around and you feel like eating Subway, come get a 10% discount [ hopefully ] from me!
Honestly speaking I'm terrified of working tomorrow, but oh well, I'll just give it a try.

So anyway today was the bigO Cultural Fiesta, pretty interesting concert, and very tiring mass dances later on.
Got down and was quite late for the Orients.
Subjected to 2 hours of video orientation on how to make bread and wash hands.
Trekked to Art Friend, only to find that they didn't sell brooch pins in bulk
So went to Bras Besar but all the shops were closed [ just like Tim said, actually xP ]
and back to Spotlight @ PS
then to Popular @ J8.
Hence all that = tiredness. x__x

While I'm happy with the fact that I'm independant enough to do such things - I suppose for a short moment there I did feel very alone, and a strong yearning for companionship. ): If only Aileen was with me! I think that being forced to choose between purple sequins and blue sequins and pink sequins make your head spin, so it's good to have a second opinion.

I think that when I grow up to become a mumsy, my greatest greatest greatest fear would be to have my children being abducted. While I was at J8, I suddenly heard two kids screaming: "MUMMY! MUMMY!" And I panicked for them. Walked back into the mall to find them, but turns out they were just sitting on the kind of ride that you pay 20c for etc ... ): STILL, it's very irresponsible of their parents to leave them there while they go shopping. If I left my kids there and they were abducted by space aliens or human aliens or otherwise I think I'm going suffer in a life of anguish, really.

So there's work tomorrow, plus I'll be working the craft store at KCPSS! :] [ huzzah huzzah! I'm just dying to see all the cute brownies and their happy grins ] so all in all it's going to be a HELLishly tiring day, and I need to find time to do my work.

Just a few things I'll jot down first and talk about later in another post. The more serious issues.

- the concept of pay it forward
- chinese
- perceptions

... and I'll cross post it to the VJC moBlog, since I think I should start being more active of sorts. x__x

WELCOME HOME BRYNN! ((:
sorry I couldn't go pick you up.

july_rhapsody @ 2005-07-22T00:10:00

2005-07-21T16:10:11Z

So it nearly comes to an end now, with barely 22 minutes to go.

Thanks to all who made today special - A53, TSD dears, people from all over who messaged me :] people whom I've lost contact with for about FOUR years, messaging me :] THANK you very much. I truly appreciate it! [ and yesterday the CC gang as well! ]

On a side note, I'm on my way to owning MORE BOOKS :D Got loads of book vouchers! <3 And my parents actually remembered the Border card o_o THANKS! And thanks for all the gifts too. You guys didn't have to do so - so thanks anyway.

[ 5 thanks and counting, now ]

Got GP back, a B3, which I suppose it's quite an okay mark as well.
Ian called from Melbourne! Reception is teh evil. (: But hey di I loved listening to your voice again! Thank you SO MUCH for just calling to wish me Happy Birthday :o and I'm sorry I couldn't hang on for longer - work. >(

And so she leaves, far far away,
and yet another is here to stay.

Today I realised that I am actually quite anti-social, or rather, I have social anxiety, or just really bipolar / schizo disorder. I seemingly can't talk to people, oddly. It's like forcing a conversation topic out of me. Which is REALLY pretty odd, considering that I can talk to some people nonstop, but not to others ... hmm. Gah. So I'm sorry to anyone who thought I'm ignoring them on purpose x_x;; I just can't bring myself to find something to talk about. Hmm.

and i realise i'm so much more sociable online than in rl. says a lot, actually. :/

I have a whole list of thank yous and I wanted to make thankyou cards, but I realised I didn't have enough material ... so hopefully that will come next week if I can finish / find time to do. >_<

Okayy ... and the post ends, and I'm officially 17 for a day and ten minutes now. :D

many happy returns, i suppose.

2005-07-20T15:52:17Z

I'm going to marry the first guy who can replicate a library like the one Belle gets in Beauty and The Beast (Disney version, yeah) and give it ALL to ME.
Please do apply early if you're capable of that so that I can work marriage into my plans, yeah?
I'm a crazed bibliophile. Today I decided that my books looked miserable and I started wrapping them ... and after 2 hours of non-stop wrapping, I still have a WHOLE stash of books in my cupboard.
Can't help the fact that I LOVE buying books. ):
Oh yes, if you owe a quaint little bookstore that serves comfy couches and coffee / hot chocolate as well, please marry me! :D Heh.

...

results are out - i got the Dreadful Ds. x) well, with lit, maybe it'll be Dreadful Ds and 1 Outstanding [ grins ]

So today somehow started off and went off quite badly, filled with a mix of emotions that I couldn't really describe, but it was quite overwhelming at the same time.
Pizza day.
Orchard, the subway experience.
KEAX (: loveeee. we must hang out soon with aur, yes! :D
stationery shopping.

But to Aileen, Anee, Shaun, Chong Sheng, Kang Hao & Teng Leong - who I spent nearly 2 hours hanging out at the CC playground with : THANKYOU very very much. You guys probably have no idea how happy you made me, it was seriously hilariously fun. :) I just like hanging out with all of you, because I feel like I really belong there somehow. Indescribable. It feels very much like before ... and all.
(: Love the card, the brownies, the stupid jokes, the way you guys came down despite school (Anee, KH & TL!) / mugging (CS!) / other better activities (Shaun!) - thanks loads to the A&A gang who planned this all (even though it was PRETTY OBVIOUS).

a few hours ago i thought that being 17th was going to be the most spectacularly horrible event of the year, what with ... everything.
but the mini party really made me feel like maybe it's going to be okay -
or maybe it's going to be brilliant, really really brilliant.

with 14 minutes to go
[and btw, happy belated birthday to bert too!]
i shall wish myself a happy 17th birthday
and many happy returns [i love this line from winnie the pooh.]
a little self-centered,
but i suppose the birthday girl has the right to being egoistic, then. (:

AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY
twinnie! (: dear dear huaa. i miss you truckloads and happy 17th - we should catch up soon, be it the structured sentosa outing or the spontaneous bump into you outing.
sharon! happy 17th! i miss yelling across the classroom block and pouncing on you and going "SHARON WE'RE 16!!!!"
i'm really going to miss the whole dressing up in ethnic costumes and taking loads of pictures
plus the surprise (not very) class party for huaa & i which end up in cake smearing and all
and the huge gift last year! god!
and happy happy birthday to josh hartnett who turns god knows what age this year.

---
[ the random comments ]

still haven't met rach - ): [steph! did you know rach is in sg? :o]
i'm missing you steph! sorry i didn't see the whole razzmatazz about you Friend locking your journal, and since i can't comment, i hope you're okay and having a blast in boston!
the other day james randomly spoke to me on msn ;O and tried to convince me to go to University of Kentucky, hmm.
brynn is coming back! (:
aneesa is leaving! ):
ian got my letter!
heh.

[ EDIT ]

PW IS FUN! WHOA.
I'm actually having fun doing research! :O
I think I'm muggerfied.
):

and I guess it's over.

2005-07-15T11:13:08Z

Ever since that disastrous haircut of 2004 [ which I would gladly prove with pictures and sort except that I destroyed them all ] - I've never quite summoned the courage to snip those locks off.
But for once [ yesterday ] I finally got a haircut!
And well, ended up looking pretty decent. So yes I suppose that's something to be thankful for, plus the fact that I should worship the hairdresser and Glanies! (: For introducing Aud & I to her.

I've always wondered why in books that the female characters find the need to change their look after a breakup. It never ever made sense to me, but somehow, I kind of get it now. Perhaps it's just the coincidence of the time and events, but I've realised that maybe you can change how you feel by changing how you look. The way you look at yourself in the mirror, somehow oddly convincing yourself that you are a different person, you've moved on from whatever there was actually ...

but of course, you realise eventually it's just all a cover-up.

I am terribly fond of speaking on closure and burying the past 10 feet under, and I think I've nearly exhausted the number of ways I can say this. But it's just a topic that I can't get out of, no matter how much I try.

In the last post I mentioned the issue of popularity -

Popularity is sure as hell expensive. I remember paying for popularity at the age of 12. Things like this, you see them come and go. You watch yourself attain them, but the actuality of the price that you paid for them only comes far later. Overnight, I changed, and along with it, everything changed. Admittedly, my newfound status was due to the immense popularity of my best friend [ bwahah ] - naturally when you hang out with someone popular you become popular too, it's a chain reaction kind of thing. But with popularity comes other issues that perhaps at the age of 12 I've never really considered.

The jealousy game, the game of trying to be better than the other, the competition - so subtle yet so deeply entrenched in ourselves, at a naive age of 12. -transform into Little Miss Emo- Betrayal brought me down from the throne that I sat on along with everyone else. I've never told this to anyone but one dear friend in VJ. I remember hating the world, wrote nasty stuff about everyone in my diary. The lies she told me, the way she broke our friendship up, the way she got everyone on her side against me, her best friend. The way she called me up, making me cry for 3 hours, while she bitched at me over the phone, and me trying desperately to restore everything that was once there. I remember for that few days in a row, I just kept quiet, trying so hard to fit in, to change myself. In retrospect, it was actually quite terrifying to identify myself with who I was when I was 12. I would have burnt my diary, except for the fact that I wanted to keep it as a part of me.

But I suppose, if that had not happened, I would not have been who I was today, the fairly nice [ I hope ] person I am. I like to pretend that the 12 years old mold of me was a lousy clay model, and then I got remade into a better one later on, but I know it's not true. Still it's a weakness I'll like to hide, to bury in my little 'ditch of unwanted memories'.

Then at the start of this year I saw her turning into a me of the past, and I got so scared and worried that she was going to go through the same phase as I did.

On another note, I'm now stuck thinking of witty entries to blog about because I have been leaderfied by Denys [ A53's mini blogceleb! :) ] for the VJC moBlog. HAHA, don't get me wrong, I really am appreciative of it and if you see this Denys, THANKYOU for saying that you liked my entries [ even if it was a ego-boosting comment], because I do treasure what I write, emo sap or not. :D I have the misconception [ well actually this probably isn't true, it's the TRUTH ] that to be a leader on VJC moBlog you either have to be

[a] horrendously bloggily popular [ like him! ]
[b] terribly good and A1-ish at GP [ like some :O ]
[c] crazily opinionated [ I AM FEMINIST! I AM AGAINST THE SCHOOL WITH THE CHANGING OF THE SCHOOL SONG! ]
[d] very, very free to blog
[e] all of the above

... yeah. So the stress piles up. :/

I got my History results back, huzzah. A D. Oh well, it can only mean better results are here to come right?
And Aileen, thanks for notifying me about the job. HUZZAH. I think I'll try to work at Subway during weekends :) So that I can stop living off my parents' cash and still have some money to buy stuff. <33 Plus, it'll be good to force my ass outta my house for a good reason [ -coughs- admittedly, money-motivated ] and the severe shortage of time should mean that I should, logically, get increasingly more mugger and study harder, which will result in good grades for promos.

I cast my net for AABB in promos.

OKay, my throat is going haywire again. Plus I'm going off to BayBeats pretty soon, so yayyayyay! I hope the month continues being okay, or better.

---

It seems like after such a long while
I still find myself reading in between the lines
of our conversations, those messages
And that same old feeling still comes back
tightens its grip on my heart
when I see the way you change those once familiar nicknames
that I deciphered without a doubt
And I realise it's no longer about me, me and me anymore
But it's about the forgotten us and at the same time,
the new you
and the me that has vanished without a trace.

// wrote this sometime ... the start of last year I think, I found it in my old and hidden blog of little writings, and decided to repost it. (:

---

EDIT

BAYBEATS 05 (:
Was honestly quite ... okayed by Baybeats. Not entirely WOWed but it didn't really suck that badly, some acts were pretty good, but as a result I'm quite deaf now. Plus we got to meet interesting people. Heh.

Tomorrow is 'Go Back & Help Out in Guides' day! Feeling anxious and nervous, mostly because I've forgotten NEARLY EVERYTHING and I'm afraid I'll disappoint her. And yes, Lin's birthday. (: CHEERS. HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF BLOOD PRINCE! Think half the world's waiting till 7.01AM or something just to get it, good Lord.

[ and I kind of think I know who died :X ]

... just gotten into a quarrel with my parents over working.

Everytime I think that it's me, my fault, and what not, it all boils down to the fact that I believe our friendship's based on mutual benefit and what's not. I try not to think about the grey areas and force myself to the white areas, but I can't believe it ... till now, that the facades still don't cease to exist, and even when you try to convince me that everything's okay, that voice in my head tells me it isn't. I am such an ass sometimes to keep getting stuck in all sorts of friendship problems. I'm sorry I'm not a good enough friend, Sword. ):

Just feel so lost sometimes, like you don't really belong anywhere, but I think that it's going to be okay.

---

july_rhapsody @ 2005-07-12T22:54:00

2005-07-12T14:54:23Z

I feel so motivated by the self-letter that Mr Ho made us write. :D
AM GOING to do my best so as to not disappoint ANYONE! x)

Takeoffs and landings. (:
I can't wait.

Didn't get to run today ...
But I will tomorrow! As well as start studying. -puts on a mugger face- [ HAAH ] and yes yes Esply trip with setters and costumers! Plus I'm going to Kino to leaf through the interior design books, goodness so exciting.

and BTW I'm horrendously proud [ I like paradoxes! x) ] of the VJMoBlog. -grins. GOODJOB! 05A53 is LOVE, because I kind of think we contain quite a hell load of talents. WHAHA. *hides 05A53.

'love taught me to lie.'

2005-07-11T14:54:30Z

The days aren't growing better, but I'm coping fine.
Still as annoyingly cynical as ever, and some things are starting to irk me ... but it's okay. I think my policy of playing it nice will pull me through. Somehow I treasure my solitude now more than anything else. It's quite conflicting, in the sense that while I want people to talk to me and engage in small talk, I want to be alone.
It's going to be a pretty ... hellish week, I suppose.

Yesterday's end of the Public Performance shocked me, honestly. To think that after months of tolerating slots, and wondering when it's all going to end - it just ends like this. Felt the sense of loss, and the fear of being a senior. In ways we're all seniors now, embarking on our Individual Skills.

I think, honestly, I'm going to miss crewing.

Design workshop today was pretty inspiring and intimidating at the same time. As much as I'm set on set design [ ha ] ... the sense of not being able to match up to my own standards scare me. I only hope I do the play I'm going to choose justice.

I'm moving LJs, finally. Haven't decided if it'll go public / Friends Only, but when I do I'll let everyone know. Sorry for the inconvenience in advance.

I wish more than anything in the world now that I know what paths to take. It's driving me nuts, just wondering about the 'what ifs' and all as usual.

Cannonball still brings so much meaning at this point of time in life. Please stop calling me - I'm running out of ways to say sorry.

I've started a series of attitude icons. :] Based on an idea by the lovely vivmuffin. Am aiming to hit 100 icons [ the things I do with my time, really. ] and putting it up for general usage.

My mum ... seems unhappy about me doing social work, and I'm at the crossroads now, deciding what to do.

Am cutting my hair. Just feel like doing so. Like running. New changes for being 17, I suppose. Need to shed off everything that's happened like a snake shedding its skin. And a desperate, desperate need, to make being 17 different from any of the other years.

My mum is brilliant [ sarcastic tone ]. To cure my fantastic loss of voice - having a horrendously low voice means that when you lose your voice, you sound outrageously terrible - I poked around the fridge and popped a Strepsils in my mouth. Waved the box at her and asked if this was okay, and she glazed over it and said "yeah."

Moments later, she came to me and told me to stop eating the Strepsils cos' it's actually for coughs, and it should not be taken for sore throats ... and the last time she did that, she ended up with a mysterious case of food poisoning. Great, just great. Now excuse me if I mysteriously vanish from school.

I realised we're drifting. [ this is targeted to a mass bunch of people ]

I want to say a few words on popularity, but I'll keep that for some other time because already people are muttering about my insanely long posts. :]

ISABEL WOLFF has a new book. ((: GLEE. It seems fantastic, as usual. I have never, ever, regretted stepping into that bookshop in Wellington, NZ in Sec 2, even when it was closing, and buying that random book out of the blue over the popular bestseller.

I realised, I'm hopeless at dealing with grief. I can do Miss Counseller, Dear Annie, and what not. Rescuing Rose by Isabel Wolff, a chick lit book, surprisingly has lessons to part. I suppose all of us are Rose of sorts. We like to feel needed, we like to feel that hey, people treasure our advice. We help others to help ourselves, as Theo mentioned. I'm going to skip the bit on altrusism. But really, when other than giving comfort, I can't do anything else - it's out of my own capacity.

I care, but I can't care enough to make you see, I suppose. Does that even make sense? So I'm very sorry, if you looked at me, hoping that I would draw you out of the circle, but you can't see past the stoned face. I'm sorry if you got so incensed and thought I don't care. It's not that I don't. But it's that I can't do anything. And I don't mind being the one who's there to look over you, even if I'm not the one beside you and telling you it's going to be okay.

Growing up is such an integral part of our lives, yet while we all want to grow up, I guess some part of us [ or at least me ] wants to stay small and happy in the world. Being a child is the loveliest thing in life. Everytime I see a child smile and grin, it never fails to make me happy, because it reminds me of what I aspire to be.

yaddayadda. (:

2005-07-08T17:21:58Z

Joined the MOBLOG competition in efforts to ... [ fill in the blank ]. :D Just for that, haha. GO VICTORIA. SEA SUN SURF SAND SCHOOL.

Taking JAPANESE (: on 10th of August. KEAX, if you happen to see this, JOIN JOIN with mee <33

NOTE: Will not be responsive to SMSes come the next few days till 12th JULY. REASON: Due to unforeseen circumstances, I have exceeded my SMS LIMIT by a hell load this month. No guesses why.

This Thursday was BLACK THURSDAY FOR ME.
I'm convinced bad things happened in 3 -
And I'm praying, praying for my good streak to come after my 3 crushing, demoralizing bad things happened.
But then again somehow I have this nigging feeling that next week's not going to be any better.

At least there's another birthday to look forward to [ my sis, which reminds me - HER GIFT! Mumsy and I were pondering on Gift Vouchers for Bookstores but that's a tad ... unfeasible, considering that she doesn't really shop alot on her own. ] ... Birthday celebrations, though depressing most of the time, somehow do help brighten my spirits up a little. (: And there's more to come towards the end of the month! :D

PUBLIC PERF started tonight - special mentions to LYNN&JEANNETTE who came down to support TSD. I hope you guys had a great time because I did! 2 more nights to run. Had a great 'after perf' programme with the 55gang & others - ta, marcus, auddy, saiful, ming & darrel. Great laughs. Heh.

Just thought I'll mention this - today I saw the new CEDAR PE TEE! (: Somehow it looks odd, but I suppose it never sits well on first account. I like it alot though. Will be buying it to go running with [ HA! ] - I miss running to music around Bishan, it always takes my mind off everything but the focus on breathing to stay alive. I love the feeling of when you finally stop, feeling the blood suffuse your face and feet XD [ sounds sadistic ] and you feel fantastic. Won't go as far to say I like running as much as swimming, but I like it enough to force myself to do it at least once a week. And yes anyway the Sec 2 Cedarians were in VJ for the VIP OPENHOUSE, and they were staring at me. I laughed, obviously.

CEDARIAN: "You're the Guides person right? I always saw you."
CEDARIAN 2: "I know who she is! The good morning girl! Always making announcements. ( a short compliment )"

It seems like after such a long while [ 7 months IS a long while ] ... I'm still being remembered as the 'good morning girl'. Makes me sound like a silly newscaster, but OKAY, I suppose I should be thankful for being someone remembered by the school for smiling in the mornings [ even though most of the time it's a forced smile but HEH, no harm in telling you that now. ] and making announcements.

(: It was a heavy burden, trying to make everyone brighten up in the mornings of grey and monotonous school life, and I don't actually know if I succeeded, but it was fun trying. Hella fun.

I feel weird most of the time in school due to various reasons. Of late I've taken to secondguessing people alot, I suppose this always surfaces whenever that same issue comes around AGAIN for the umpteen time. so you end up watching chances fade and wondering what's real. I always do so. Also whenever I feel down in the dumps I tend to think about things I refuse to think about, which inevitably drags me further down in the slumps, and being cynical and second guessing. It's a vicious cycle.

But then again - when more worldly issues are at stake, one should always attempt to think about others over self. Altruistic and idealistic, yes, but should be attempted. In view of the recent London bombings, I'm really floored. With nothing to say at all. To think that their moment of victory was eaten up by the brutal bombings, it's just too sad, feels too unreal. Tragedy always strikes, and at these times more often than usual, and sometimes it scares me when I'm alone on buses, thinking when it'll be our turn. Olympics 2012, then site of bombings that shock the world like the tsunami did. My heart goes out to them, but what makes me feel worse is the helplessness, and the vulnerability/susceptability to such issues.
But I REFUSE to wallow in self-pity of like how OH WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE SOMEDAY IN A BOMB! :O I think we can make an effort to help. Watching those people. Seeing the news. Reminded me of last year where I cried when I saw the tsunami ones. I'm sure somehow the opportunity will come, and when it comes, I'll do my best to snap it up. Noted, it won't make a HELL load of difference, but at least I'm proud I tried.

Which reminds me, I should speak to my mum about being a volunteer soon and get it done and settled with.

Still making mistakes and learning.
Trying to be less of a failure. And more of a success.
I'm CECILY! (: HAHA. The country bumpkin.

I just had a mad, mad, random, weird, POST SECRETS kind of thought.
Why don't I write to you, an anonymous person?
You could leave me your address anonymously, and I'll mail you a letter to try to get to know you. I could address it to 'The Receiver' or 'Harry Potter' or 'SMILES!' or anyone. I just feel like writing. Of course, now, this probably wouldn't work if I've known you for a longlong time [ and also your address :D ] but it might prove to be pretty interesting. I have WAAY too much money and time to spare [ as if ] -____-U just thought that I should probably take steps to change the whole perception bt how the world is divided by technology and yaddayadda, improve humanity, yaddayadda.
[ but you know I'm not altruistic. :) even though i try. so let's just say it's for the security of having snailmail, and yes, curiosity of the letters being sent off to someone i know but don't know ]
In the long run, this could be interesting.

The past few days have been great issues of controversy and politics in GP and TSD. We talked about homosexuality [ which I am a supporter of ] and the workings of politics, racial divides. Times like these in class always make me appreciate the diverse viewpoints coming from everywhere and the new perspectives on issues you've never really thought about before.

snailmails and letters read.

2005-07-05T16:01:41Z

A while ago, I was frantically looking for my bank statements for my visa debit x__x because it just occured to me that I could use my reward points from Visa to trade for vouchers and other things. XD So I looked high and low for it, and dragged the boxes which held all my letters and opened them up.

This might sound silly, but I've kept every single one of my snailmail letters. From P5 till now in 4 HUGE boxes. Everytime I opened the boxes up it's kind of like a Pandora Box feeling. I took out my Sec 2 letters, and started reading.

For some reason I always loved snailmail over email. Even though there was a period of time I was obsessed with X number of penpals from all over the world, I always preferred snailmail. It's personal, more private, and magically, seeing the person's handwriting brings back memories. I was reading all the handmade cards from one of my good-est friends ever :], looking at all the drawings she did, and somehow the memories came flooding back. It sounds cliche, I know, but I'm sure you'll know how it's like when it hits you.

I remember the quarrels, the cold wars, the times we refused to talk to each other. Just because we drifted apart.
I remember the project [ INFLEX REVELATIONS! LOL. ] we did together, spending a CRAZY amount of days together. Remember the 10 countries or so we created? The maps of the IR world, the 24 story chapters we co-wrote, the drawings you made. The IR Sourcebook we created, detailed analysis of each character, their past. The phone calls where we agreed / disagreed on plot lines and quarelled.
I remember the aims to make it big. Into an anime, manga, website. Where everyone was so excited to hear about it.
Then it all fell through, but I can't remember why.

But you know, that I read the card you gave me, I think it was in December 2002. And you said, "Even though we might drift, you might move to NZ, you'll always be my best friend." And you know I cried when I reread that again.

Then I remember all the better times, even though we weren't as close physically, we grew closer in our friendship. Strengthened it. You were the one, while not being able to dish advice like K could [ haha ], you were the one who always listened to me when I was upset or when I was bitchy. You made me laugh with those "LET'S KILL HIM!!" kind of plots. You made my holidays when we had those mass emailing sessions, or you brought gifts, or I went to your house for sleepovers and camp outs. Going to your old house, trekking around Elias MALL XD, watching anime at your new house. I remember when we all got obsessed over RO! I miss those days, really. :)

And now, though we're all in different schools, I somehow know that you and K and I will always stay together as friends, for we'll always make an effort to do so.

And I'm sorry I never had a chance to say this - but I do miss you, and I really, really, am grateful for having a friend like you in my life.

I think that emails can in no way replace the kind of intimacy that snailmails hide, but then again, I might be wrong.
I wanted to snailmail a hell load of people as a result of a rather carthartic experience of going through all my snailmails, but I ended up editing my history essay.

Tomorrow, though.
I'll buy stamps, and snailmail you. (:
[ please try to act surprised, LOL! and if you want a snailmail let me know. ] Back to the old good times where you waited at the void deck / outside your house, waiting anxiously just for that letter to come, bearing your name in the neatest pretty handwriting ever or untidiest scrawl.

Tomorrow.
I'll get the stamps, do the writing, the mail, and sign up for Japanese! :D
As well as sign up for PAYM. (: and develop my photos.
And buy cards to write to some very special people in my life.

Tomorrow.
I shall decide on what to give my sister for her birthday.
Which day to go Baybeats. [ any interested people? :D ]
How to try to squeeze a day out of Baybeats to watch The Little Mermaid by SDT during Ballet Under the Stars. [ this too! :D ]

Snailmail, really, is LOVE. <3

EARTHSEA.

2005-07-03T16:51:27Z

I suppose I should get a headstart on my History essay, seeing as to how I represent the History population of 05A53, and I am supposed to represent good, hardworking qualities of a History student.

HAHAHA.

[ okaay, I am really starting on it. working my way through it now. ]

Just 'squandered' [ for lack of a better word ] 3 hours watching EARTHSEA on Hallmark, based on the quartet by Ursula K. LeGuin. Now all my life I've always had this secret, secret desire for fantasy tales that are hopefully not too complex [ NARNIA! <3 ] to complicate me with names of 10000 cities and 1000000 people [ think LOTR -cough- though I admit it's a genius piece of work ] :D and it always puzzles me that I've never really managed to stumble across anything good. I think I shall cast my net upon the fantasy genre wider. EARTHSEA was fantastic. Although I first wanted to watch it because of MISSAMAZINGLYPRETTY Kristin Kreuk :P, I'm glad that it was a worthwhile experience. For those of you who have Hallmark [ Ch 17. on SCV ] go watch it! It brings back those really amazing feelings that I always get when I read / watch Fantasy. [ OKAY I admit it. I HAVE always had the secret yearning to be fantastic fantasy writer. ): ] And by the way, if you know of any really good fantasy series that you think you can get me hooked on, throw them my way. :] I'll be needing a brand new reading list once I finish

Secrets of the Jinshei [ thanks KAI! <3 ]
Books 4 - 7 of Chronicles of Narnia [ for the 2nd time! ]
The Secret Life of Bees
Madame Sadayakko
and P.S I Love You / Five People You Meet In Heaven [ for the second time ].

:D I LOVE MY BOOKS! My bookshelf is nearly exploding. Thank goodness my sister is moving out into her own room which gives me more bookshelves. x]

On another note, I've updated the userinfo now. Which looks pretty funky, I hope. Photoshopped the picture, and credit goes to STARWAY [ listed in LAYOUT CREDITS ] as usual. Reverted to my 3rd person POV as usual. HEH. Icons are not up yet.

OKay I'll run off to try to finish my essay, and hopefully, hopefully in the near future I'll get the courage to start writing again [ I really, really miss it. ]

---

AHHH!! I'm NOT DONE with HISTORY AT ALL. x( BOTHER. Sometimes I hate having Broadband. ):
I'm shy of a 1000 words to complete the usual requirement of 2000.
And I have no quotes, because I'm lazy to read the many books I borrowed from the library.
Tomorrow's going to be a busy, busy as bee day. EXCO retreat at PASIRRIS [ exco <3! ] and 05A53 BBQ. OMGWTF. Where am I going to get time to write the darn essay?

---

I keep getting signed in online on MSN and it's annoying me. STUPID ANNOYING AUTO-MSN. ): When I have an essay impending, you screw up on me.

... It's so hard to see through the lies sometime. Way too hard, too hard to hold on to something that was once there, only to be confronted with the knowledge it's going to stop being there sometime soon. At times like this, 2.17 AM in the morning and full of pent up frustration because of History I'm forced to confront an ugly fact that has been rearing its head at me for quite some time, though I chose to ignore it, and I will rightly do so again.

I'm actually afraid of what I'll find out or when history chooses to repeat itself.

Am rather skeptical of the ONE campaign, the more I read about it. Poverty is non-eradicatable. Just like AIDS is non-erasable. They're meant to have their places in history. As much as we all love to be superheroes of the world, we have our limits. Kinda think it's ridiculous trying to eradicate it. Though I suppose its actions to try to do so are commendable. And speaking of poverty, I kind of think the US should probably do something about their own, glossed over, much ignored extreme poverty issues before embarking on Save the World Missions. Sorry I'm harsh [ esp to Steph who lives in the US >_< ], but yes, as I've said, their efforts ARE indeed commendable, though I'm skeptical of how much they can do. This reminds me of the conversation with Tom yesterday : In which we should make efforts to change leadership in Africa over solving poverty, because what good is money directed to Africa if it's not channelled to the right people?

I'm also reminded of the conversation I had a long time ago with Aileen. About happiness. And we came to a conclusion that happiness holds different meanings, values for different people. Africans are said to have the most beautiful smiles on Earth simply because they take things in their strides. I agreed with her that what was low standard of living to us might not be so to them. So who are we to determine that they are living in extreme poverty? Just because what they are living in differs from our standard of happiness, wealth and quality of living, just because we're more exposed to the world, consumerism, and a need to owe and be better and richer, doesn't mean we classify them as beneath us. Just because they don't have cars, big houses, cash rolling in, doesn't mean that they're not happy. They have their own standards of happiness, and we should respect them. As I've said, it's nice to be able to give them proper shelter, but we shouldn't attempt to churn them into beings like ourselves, governed by the innate nature of greed.

Then again, maybe I'm cynical, maybe I'm overgeneralising, so if you felt that I did, feel free to ignore what I said or pretend that I took everything back.

newLAYOUT.

2005-07-02T18:25:47Z

ive got a new layout featuring drew barrymore from a Beauty & the Beast fashion spread she did in Vogue.
i like my new layout.
(: tired.
am going to sleep.
tmr - new icons [ goodness i've had my default for ages ] and a new userinfo. watch this space.

i'm PROUD.

2005-07-02T11:03:48Z

Just made 2 more layouts to add to the list of layouts I've made. :]

lemon_kiss159 [doesnt work in MOZI, DARN.] and saifuldinho : my two new baby layouts. i suppose i should be quite proud of myself, those 2 took about 3 days to finish. granted i slept at 330 and all for them [ heh ] but it's been a long, long time that i feel so accomplished. kinda got to mess with photoshop a bit more and i did my first BLEND, ever. :) think I put the Clone Stamp tool to great use as well. x)

Just for the record - I'm still up to my neck in making layouts, so for the time being I won't be accepting anymore requests, okay? Also won't be free to really really help with layout codes : DISCLAIMER - I'm not good at really helping, but I'll try. If you want to use a layout I've previously made [ whoa, I've made THIRTEEN so far! ] let me know. I'll try to get thumbnails of them. And I also have a Phantom of the Opera layout which I've made but never used, and discarded it because I didn't like the header. So if you want that let me know too.

If there are any glitches, also let me know.

<33.

---

back from newton food centre ( haven't been in there for ages! ) and well. WELL. seriously. i am appalled. VERY appalled, and i kind of vow never to go back.

the state of touting there is RIDICULOUS. i swear competition's worse than competing in olympics or something. the area that i went to, they literally pulled you into this huge scam and shoo away people who are happily eating, shaking their hands and thanking them for being your 'friends'. then in every 10 minutes or less another stall owner comes hover around your table and start marking your tables, putting people who are waiting for seats to stand near you to give you ADDED pressure.

i swear the next time i return - i'll bring a friend, and we'll sit at that area and eat DISH by DISH. grr.

case 2. some singaporeans, are seriously disgraceful. case study - this woman WELL above her forties / fifties / sixties flirting with this caucasian man in front of his family and trying to get them to buy drinks. SENSE OF SHAME, hello? you call it pulling business i call it a form of near prostitution. without the sex bits, of course. the caucasian family didn't know whether to laugh or cry; they were all clearly uncomfortable and eating away silently, while the lady kept going on and on and laughing and resting her arm on his shoulder.

case 3. ignorant, stupid yuppies who think because they work and owe a car and a nice salary, that gives them the damn right to be high class in hawker centres. they pretend to engage in pretentious social conversation and deny their apparent Singaporean roots. a la speak with fake accents. or at least the ones i saw were doing it, and we all know it's never good to generalise, so case 3 is targeted to table 241 at Newton Centre from 730 PM - [ don't know when ]. now the main point of my concern is what gives them the DAMN right to judge singapore? and her people?

i'm-so-pretty lady remarks : "Oh my GOD. Do you guys know? Singapore students are so stupid nowadays - I just heard that another one committed suicide over results. Goodness."

O_O HELLO? i don't actually approve of suicide to solve problems, and never will. but who / what gives you the right to judge people? HUH? stop pretending you're so altruistic, please. when you don't know how it's like [ okay maybe you once did but threw this knowledge all away ], stop judging others when you don't even know anything about them. people like you make me feel ashamed to be a Singaporean.

case 4. i swear smokers are buying themselves a premium ticket to hell, with complete royal airfares and first class hotel rooms ready. smoking isn't cool. social smoking is not addictive. WHO ARE YOU KIDDING? please, stop being naive and stupid. social smoking - smoking on a regular basis, yaddayadda. you tell me that oh because i don't smoke that's why i don't know that social smoking is not addictive. but trust me i'll be laughing my brains out when smoking steals those years away from your life. i WILL. i despise smokers. and will always do so. STOP lying to yourself, once you start, you won't stop. in fact you'll be social smoking all the way till your death. now if it isn't irony that you're still social smoking at 50s or 60s. i don't know what is it. Was a tad too insensitive - so I do apologise. But that said I still don't approve of smoking. x(

it makes me so mad that all these happened and we paid like 60+ dollars for hawker food :O gahh.

LIT :D

2005-06-29T14:53:27Z

WHAHA it's 2 hours to sleeping TIME! HURRAY. :) I should actually attempt to rid, as a good dear friend puts it 'the sloth complex' that lays in me and try to read Chaucer properly. I guess this comes with the whole 'last day' exam -

2004. End of Os - Chemistry exam. It was just teh few of us left, hanging out at Macs and desperately attempting to study amidst the euphoria of knowing the Os that stole our November away was going to end. :] I still remember how you guys came up to us and showed us the STUPID pin trick, asked us Chem questions. I remember calling Mr Chia [ whaha ] in a frantic attempt to confirm some Chemistry facts that I've left unsolved till the day before Chem Os. I recall how we all simultaneously gave up, went to the playground - drew on sand, laughed, read Seventeen, played Tic Tac Toe [ and LOST! ] and tried to figure out a game for that weird beady thing. I miss everything so much. In the end my Chem ended up as a B3 - no guesses why - but I don't regret it, don't regret any of this, don't regret the times we had together.

I actually, actually had fun during TSD exam. O_O Despite my obvious failure in attempting the non-design questions [ darn, I AM NOT VERSATILE IN THEATRE, lol ] I had fun writing in point form and drawing diagrams. HAHA. (:

LITLITLIT oh LIT. -sighh. It'll be a miracle if I can D myself for Lit.

july_rhapsody @ 2005-06-29T10:49:00

2005-06-29T02:49:23Z

At about 3 hours before my OHSOSCARY TSD exam [ now I'm serious ] I'm caught up in a huge mess drawing SETS. Ahh. Reason being : Rereading the wonderful play M.Butterfly made me realise there were ALOT of shortcomings in my previously designed set, so I scrambled to come up with something better.

I'M GOING to die, mark my words. I regret sleeping the day through yesterday now. :/

But anyway, here's to end of exams. SOON. Hurrah. Tomorrow's lit will hopefully be a breeze. =/

History was so-so. Could answer 3 out of 4 questions, but the Vietnam one is probably going to pull me down because I made the silly decision to ignore Vietnam since I couldn't get it into my head. Hearing people say they write 4-sided essays for 4 questions really scares me. BAH. Okay. I shall have faith. And believe in hopefully quality [ pah! ] over quantity.

Besides, I remember that prelims pure hist question on Why was the British fighting a protracted war? - in which I spent 45 minutes twisting the limited information I have, guessing the meaning of protracted, and wrote an essay based on the Emergency tactics over the reasons. It came back with a pretty nice mark. :] So I'm crossing my fingers and hoping for the best.

TSD.! ARGH.

july_rhapsody @ 2005-06-27T21:59:00

2005-06-27T13:59:08Z

NAHAHA i just felt like laughing. :] i'm glad i made someone's day very very special. am feeling proud of myself. lol.

econs and gp are down, YES!! econs surprisingly wasn't as killer as i thought it was. essay questions were relatively easier than i suspected. hmm. but mcq was killer lah. anyway. gp was quite fun to do, except for AP. hohum.

tomorrow, one history student of 05a53 is going down. :]

ahh today has been a weird/butoverall good day. hope everyone's still surviving! lucks and <3.

till tmr. :]

HAHA!!

2005-06-26T03:35:45Z

Ok I just got an email from IANNOID! My darlingest Godbrother. HAHA. He commented that everytime he opened my monthly letters he felt a sense of calm inside him. 'Must be your handwriting'. My handwriting! -grins

Aww I miss Ian [ melb ] / Brynn [ canada ] / Jerms&Shaun [ NS! ] I wish they would all return soon someday so I can send them my love. -feels quite happy

Yesterday at The Bridge Anee and I had a good talk over dinner. It's been ages since I've had such a good talk with Anee! :] Huzzah. I was quite shocked over what I found out, actually.

And I had a weird occurence yesterday! Aileen & I were leaving from Macs at ard 1030 when some weirdo guy turned and said 'bye' to us. ERH. But I had quite a good talk with Aileen too at her block for 1 hour plus. Reconfirmed something I suspected. ARGH.

Yes tomorrow I'll get to see everyone else, especially the loved 05A53 and the loved TSDians! Goodness I'm so excited. Don't think Mid Years can pull me down. [ or I hope not ]

JULY IS ARRIVING. (: First time I'm happy about school.
And my layout finally works in IE. :]

i'll stop the world and MELT WITH YOU :]

2005-06-25T05:38:10Z

Was just reading one of Shikin's comments to my earlier posts and I realised I never did reply to it.

'Ah but I know I miss the you you were in Cedar. Although you didnt change much, there's something different about you when you are in Vj. Haha maybe I'm too used to the prefectYisha. Lol. All in all I still heart you loads.' HMM. Yeah, I do realised I've changed over the past few months in VJ. Flurry of events took my by surprise, increased my cynicism about life and friendships and general relationships itself, couple of wrong choices have made me live in regret and perhaps guilt.

I think / hope I'm still the same old person I was before. Hyperness, craziness, moodiness. I smile when I'm happy, laugh when I'm elated, cry at the same old sappy movies. But then again change is inevitable, and I'm sure I'm different. I guess people grow up all the time, and this year really forced me to grow up in the fastest time ever. And I thought last year was bad. But this year, though not much happened, they left a huge impact on me all the same.

Do you ever wonder why we all spend so much time in the past? Reminsicing, thinking about the 'what if's and the 'has been's. Wondering what would have happened if we took a different path. But like a friend of mine mentioned in her blog, she wouldn't change anything in the past, because it was her past that made her into who she was. In a way, I agree. But then again, the irony surfaces - for no one is perfect, and I'm sure if we could we would change ourselves, right? :] Hmm.

Yesterday I was talking to Aileen + Aneesa at the chairs outside the CC for 45 whole minutes, and we talked about relationships. :] A sudden thought came to me - I realised that maybe the world would be perfect if each and every pair of best friends liked each other. [ obviously, a guy and a girl ] Then it would take away the whole 'OMG I actually like my best friend but she/he likes someone else. T_T' situation. And besides best friends are the ones who are there for you always, who know you inside out and up and down, so wouldn't it make sense to be with someone who you love hanging out with in the first place?

Then again, I am reminded that best friends do not exist. HA.
But I suppose I'm lucky enough to know very very good friends.

i'll stop the world and melt with you.

made me quite upset over Econs, because I realised what a shen Bing is at econs. ALAMAK. -
depresses. He thrashed me in 50 questions +. Okay. So he helped me with 50+ questions and I wasted 2+ hours of his productive time. That sounds a bit nicer. SEE I'M NICE WHEN I BLOG ABOUT YOU. :D Then towards the end he said 'wha Yish you're damn evil la, waste my time then still can't be bothered to talk pleasantries with me' So we embarked on another 3 hours of yakking. Me in constant fear of getting found out. And sharing our past, childhoods together - it's been ages since [a] I talked to a guy on the phone for SO long [b] I actually am sharing something about my past and childhood which I've very smartly kept as a secret for years. Haha. THE FUNNIEST thing was that at 2+, he was like "whaa 12+ already. I should go off and sleep." Me: "Err, Bing, it's 230 AM?!?" Turns out his clock stopped. O_O;; Then we yakked about life, futures, love, IRC, premarital sex, religion, husbands/wives, on and on. It's amazing how we can go on and on without stopping Have never felt such a connection before. At 3AM I felt I was going to get caught so I scampered away. A really good night to remember because I laughed alot, and I really always do feel the happiest when we talk. SOULMATES man.

july_rhapsody @ 2005-06-24T10:48:00

2005-06-24T02:49:03Z

I AM SICK.
):
Woke up at 8AM [ WOW! ] in hopes of going to Macs to mug. But felt so horrible that I decided to go back to sleep.
I'm going to dose myself with meds from yesteryear hiding in my cupboard. If all else fails, PANADOL! :) Amazing wonder of my life.
Then I'm going to resist the sickness and MUG!
Haha I'm such a mugger. Goodness. Okay, to get CCCC / CCDD, I must. -sigh. Seems like a long way to that route.

you keep me safe in a crazy world.
- corrinne may. :]

I try to smile my tears away
I try to keep my cool
Oh but one more door gets in my way
I feel like such a fool
Trampled and bitter
My heart just wants to bleed and stop
Believing in me

It feels like nothing is for certain
and that nothing comes for free
When they're lowering the curtain
to the theatre of my dreams
I stumble and I crumble and I'm
Sinking to my knees but you
You cradle me

You keep me flying
You keep me smiling
You keep me safe in a crazy world
You understand me
Embrace my fragility
You keep me safe in a crazy world
And in your arms I find the strength
to believe in me again

Noise keeps chasing me
No matter where I go
Oh and life likes pretending that it's
On a TV show
When it's hard to tell what's real
From what the world just wants to preach
You are the voice I seek

You keep me flying
You keep me smiling
You keep me safe in a crazy world
You understand me
Embrace my fragility
You keep me safe in a crazy world

'cause when I'm wrapped up in your arms
Nothing else can touch me
What a wonderful way to recharge
I feel like I can breathe again

You keep me flying
You keep me smiling
You keep me safe in a crazy world
You understand me
Embrace my fragility
You keep me safe in a crazy world
And in your arms I find the strength
to believe in me again

Noise keeps chasing me
No matter where I go
Oh and life likes pretending that it's
On a TV show
When it's hard to tell what's real
From what the world just wants to preach
You are the voice I seek

You keep me flying
You keep me smiling
You keep me safe in a crazy world
You understand me
Embrace my fragility
You keep me safe in a crazy world

'cause when I'm wrapped up in your arms
Nothing else can touch me
What a wonderful way to recharge
I feel like I can breathe again

You keep me flying
You keep me smiling
You keep me safe in a crazy world
You understand me
Embrace my fragility
You keep me safe in a crazy world
And in your arms I find the strength
to believe in me again

i love this song. [ to listen to it - head to www.corrinnemay.com and listen to teh previews. ] i'm glad to have found someone like the 'you' in the song. :]

going off to mug now >_<;; heh.

update :]

2005-06-23T15:52:17Z

I sacrificed studying time today to watch BATMAN BEGINS!

Am entirely flabbergasted by the movie. :D GOODNESS! IT IS SUPREMELY GOOD. &loves;! The movie really really does justice to Batman and the legend. MANN. I cannot wait to see the sequel(s)! AHH I want to watch it again. ): I'm so glad my $7 wasn't gone to waste! Heh.

But then again I realised I HAVE alot left to mug -weeps- I'm doomed lah, for Mids. I want DDDD at least. OKAY, to aim higher I shall pray hope beg steal worship 10000 gods to give me at least BBCC [ HA! ] or CCDD or CCCC!

GAH I feel so lousy when I'm aiming for Cs and Ds instead of As. Guess the change from sec school to JC hasn't quite sunk in yet.
I'm reading Chronicles of Narnia =_= All over again. GAH.
And I ordered HARRY POTTER! :] Yay I love my mum.

Movies to WATCH : War of The Worlds | Be With You | Charlie and the Chocolate FACTORY! | Chronicles of Narnia [ for now. ]
Layouts to MAKE : Shib | Saiful [ oh man you smart hardcore mugger! -depresses ] | Myself | FP! [ AHH FP@LJ is dead beacuse Steph + Rach are gone. I MISSES YOU GUYS! Good Lord. Go home soon so we can converse online okaay? :)

July's going to be a brilliant month. OKAY. Without the Mids. There's so much to look forward to.

I love running. :D I sleep at 230 daily and get up at 9 to run 2+ km / 3+ km. I'm falling sick [ HA! ]. And yes, yes, so many other things. :) Feeling generally a little bit happier than my shoutout a few days ago.

- Just wanted to give a shout out to a VERYSPECIALFRIEND in VJ! :D LOL SO VAGUE. But yes I think you know who you are? :] NANOSECONDFLING friend. Well if you read this, and if I haven't told you enough, I just wanted to let you know I really really appreciate you. In more ways than one. Thanks for hanging in there for me when I'm on the edge of falling. Enjoy your show and let's MUG hard :D [ btw, i think you passed your sickness to ME. >( ] Everytime I talk to you I feel really blessed to at least have a friend like you. HUZZAH. We have one decade of friendship left to go [ I hope ] and I'll see you on the shelf! :) [ I hope not ] And I'm not productive, really. Haha. THANK YOU for making me (: always.

There's even a new group that antagonizes all of us. Heh. But I miss the old faces, the old gang. The bridge talks. Sitting at the chairs and laughing. Truth or Dare. Getting the admin people to kick out the REST! Telling on Banana & Gang when they secretly used teh LR to study. Walking to 7-11 and buying truckloads of food. Having PILES of food on our tables. Hanging out at the playground, playing. Gossiping at the alleyways [ secret hideout ]. Moving to Macs. Hogging the last few tables. Making friends with everyone. Being closer to everyone. FUNCTIONING like a commune -_- Where O Levels was calendarically so near yet felt a million miles away. I would really give anything to go back to studying for Os. ):

Okay I think I'll blog more private thoughts on a F-locked entry. :] Going off to sleep pretty soon because my nose is RUNNY and I feel tired all over. Shall try to wake at 8, head to Macs@Bishan to mug! Try. -sighh. So desperate for time.

ARGH TOM RIDDLE! ): I've just started reading The Shoebox Project and I AM addicted to it. :O

on today.

2005-06-21T16:22:19Z

the thing about life is this :

everytime you think you're all bright and chirpy and ready to face the world without worries -
something comes and hit you so hard that you fall
and don't ever want to get back up again.

am reminded of the past and of what made me into who i am today.

i guess after all this time - i'm confronted with the fact that i am a horrible, horrible person. or so i think.

i guess too much mugging or too little mugging results in the brain being overworked.

am feeling totally lost by the direction my life is taking. am feeling overwhelmed by everything. by all that you keep from me. by all that you take away from me.

sometimes i guess i just want to let go of it all but then i realise i lose the courage to, simply because i thought we could make everything happen, together.

and if you think you know what i'm talking about, trust me, you don't. this ain't just about loverelationshipsfriendshipstruststudiesscholarships, it's about everything.

cheerios.

have removed the comments btw, because this isn't about trying to gain sympathy. i suppose if you cared, i would have known anyway, with or without comments. ♥

PHOTOPOST

2005-06-19T18:01:51Z

:] SENTOSA, FRIDAY, 17th JUNE 2005.

the mini reunion. :)

[ PHOTOS BELOW : TAKES LONG TIME TO LOAD ]

4C 2004 :D BEST CLASS EVER! I lovelovelove my class. HEH. Top Double Science class with an avg of 10 points, IFD, Sports Day, Cheerleading. Some of the best memories take ages to make. But the times I spent in 3C / 4C really proves that theory wrong. :)

VOLLEYNESS. :D

Dunkin' Jo! (:

Group PHOTO. Ahhh, the joys of being the photographer.

IloveYOU. I like black and white shots. Heh.

To the best school ever. <3 CEDAR

[ P.S If you're a Cedarian and you would like this picture, PLEASE let me know first before stealing it, yeah? BTW - If you direct link me I swear I'll chop you up into pieces. DON'T EAT my photoalbum bandwidth please, lah. ]

Tong eating her sandcake :] Yum.

SILOSO Beach! Pretty place, but Palawan Beach kicks its ass by heaps and mounds.

We like sitting on weird contraptions in the childrens' playground. :)

Candid shot. Tong, Hua + Ser. I like this one because it just seem to capture the memories so well.

Me meddling with settings on cam and taking nature shots.

Group photo! On the bus back. Me, Sharon, Trina, Jo, Tong, Ser. In some order, I think anti-clockwise.

GOODbye Sentosa. :D The last photo taken on a moving bus.

yish, out.

-grins.

2005-06-19T13:44:12Z

HAHA I have installed PHOTOSHOP! -joy.

And I'm on a sudden icon making craze, HMM. God save my studies. HEH.

[ and a layout craze too. LOOKING out for good pictures / scans to layout ]

I am such a Photoshop addict.

I hope I haven't lost teh sad skills that I once have.

Be back with icons! :D

---

DESPERATE PLEA : OKaay I know this is pretty old, but if anyone could spare me a Gmail account, I would GLADLY appreciate it. THANKS.